Grant:
My LG
(Life Guide; or as some call him: angel)
I was asked to explain
more about the angel or Life Guide who works with me. An unseen being has been
an influence in my life probably long before he first spoke to me. He’s
been helpful, a comfortable companion and wonderful resource of knowledge.
Grant (the name he gave me to use) answered most any question I asked; whether
about the future or of spiritual matters. Unfortunately he has also led me into
great pain and disastrous relationships where turning to him for help simply
added to the pain. My LG is clearly not here to help me with my goals
unless they agree with his. Grant wants
to shape me into something designed to fulfill some unknown spiritual purpose
of God’s. So he has no problem doing
whatever that takes whether I like it or not. Needless to say this eventually
caused conflicts in our relationship and has caused me to keep some distance
between us.
I am certain that all of
us each have an ‘LG’ accompanying us as we make our way through life. But
like me, we serve our egos and are loyal to our pride. If they made themselves known we might very
well push them away and oppose them. At the very least, trivialize their
instructions. So they remain
unseen.
In this narrative
I’m focusing on my relationship with him and how it affected me. I’m
leaving out a lot of dreams and other spiritual experiences.
My
first encounter with him was in Brady, Washington when I was about
thirteen. My father said that he had found a 10 speed bicycle in Aberdeen
that was a very nice bike. If I would work hard and come up with half the
cash, he would help me get it for Christmas.
I did extra chores and earned some money and in November gave him the
$15 towards the $30 bike. The next day he gave me back the money
apologizing. He said that someone else had bought it. At that moment a voice came clearly into my
head and said, “It’ll be there.” I knew
it meant that the bike would be there Christmas morning. That meant that
my father lied. Lying and deceiving had
become abhorrent to me. That my own
father would lie straight faced to me was inconceivable.
Christmas
morning it was there; as the voice had said. It wasn’t a surprise; it was
a disappointment. I was delighted to
have the bike. But right then I knew my father and I didn’t really share
the same standards of behavior. I also knew that there was some unseen
being willing to talk to me who did.
When
I was seventeen, I prayed and asked who I would marry. I sat waiting for
the answer. Nothing came. Finally I got up and began to move on with my
daily duties. Suddenly the voice spoke the name into my mind. But I was
so distracted with what I was doing at the time that I didn’t quite catch
it: The first name had a strong long e
sound in it and the last name had an ‘und’ sound. So I thought it might be “Jean Lund” I didn’t know a Jean Lund, but expected that
I might meet her someday. I did pause
and ask the voice to repeat it. But it
didn’t come back.
I
descended into darkness for a while. I became full of anger, resentment,
and depression. My father decided to put me on an LDS mission. I had always wanted to serve God; but didn’t
feel I should go so angry and depressed. So I resisted at first, but
anything was better than remaining at home so in January of 1976 I went to
Indonesia for two years.
Soon I was surrounded by such light and happiness that all the resentment and grudges faded away. Miracles occasionally happened and I knew God was near. Early in my mission I became a little envious of those missionaries who had (as I would phrase it) ‘flaming testimonies’. Some missionaries had been visited by the Holy Spirit who gave them an experience which let them know with great certainty that the LDS church was true. By ‘great certainty’ I mean that the Holy Spirit had visited them in their quest for answers and had told them deep within their hearts (usually including a wonderful experience of joy) that the Book of Mormon and the doctrines of the church were true. I was good at teaching and explaining the Church but when it came to testimony; mine had no where near the force and power that those other missionaries had. So I began asking God if the LDS Church was true hoping for that experience. I hear my LG laughing and I felt a little humiliated. So I asked, “Why are you laughing?” He answered, “You know for yourself that it is true!” I knew he was right but still… It would be nice to experience the wonderful and powerful presence of God. But it was clear to me that I was to be satisfied with what I had.
Towards the end of my mission I again prayed and asked “Who will I marry?” The voice replied, “ You're not worthy of her!” So I renewed my efforts to stay close to the Holy Spirit through reaching out to people and through scripture study and prayer.
That
beautiful dream ended and I came home to hell. I found my parents were
heading into a divorce and each would from time to time take me aside and
complain about the other. I became their emotional garbage can. I was
asked more than once who I would want to be with once the divorce was
through. I could never answer. I prayed as never before for help and
peace. Occasionally I had questions; but
what I really wanted and sought with all my heart was a comfort and a
companion. I would use the piano as a way to pray and express the pain I felt.
Gradually I began to feel a comforting presence near me. I assumed it was
the Holy Spirit or God.
I didn’t
date. To date meant having a conflict with my dad to borrow a car and to
ask a girl out. I was too afraid to do either. My father always complained about the gas we
used and made it clear not to use the cars frivolously. It wasn’t worth the
trouble.
In my church
calling I served with a young lady named Katy McFarlund. When I realized
her name had the required long ‘e’ sound in the first name and the ‘und’ sound
in the last name I wondered. She certainly shared my standards. So I prayed and asked if this was she. Should I pursue her to marry? The voice said, “Yes you could; but no, she
has been given to another.”
I want to pause here and
explain the mechanics of the process. I would go off by myself and
pray. But then after the prayer, throughout the day; I would strive to keep my question alive in my heart till
the answer came. There have been many times when I sought an answer but
allowed the question to die because of distractions. Once my LG responded to a dying question with
a spiritual slap to my heart. It pulled me away from the distractions for
a moment and I realized that the question I had earlier was all but dead. He
was clearly annoyed that I hadn’t stayed steadfast in my quest for the
answer.
There is an
element of faith involved too. I never doubted God existed. That was a given for me. Nor did I ever
doubt He would answer. The idea that God
wouldn’t love to communicate with His children was foolishness. I quite
liked myself in spite of so many who didn’t.
I was certain that God did too.
There is also an element
of obedience too. I tended to obey.
Growing up, I often felt surprised at how often others in my family
disobeyed my parents. Obedience brought peace. So I usually obeyed. This tendency carried forward to the voice as
well.
The pain my parents
shared was becoming unbearable and I asked if there was a way to end it so they
would both be happy. I kept this question in my heart for a time when
suddenly one day my attention was caught away and I saw a great change in the
situation which brought peace to all. I later mentioned it to my mother who
took a very strong stance against the idea.
It never came to be.
Now I wonder if
questions are sometimes given us to ask; for again I began to ask who I would
someday marry. Why was this question so darn important? But it was.
And I asked hard. I pressed on it
for days. The answer came in a vision. I
was in the middle of my job at AmFac and Larry my supervisor was talking to
me. Suddenly I saw and recognized the woman I was to marry. Then it was over and Larry was asking me if I
had heard him. He could tell I had been
lost from the conversation for a moment.
I was quite disappointed
in the answer. She was well known; but I was not a fan and from a
distance; didn’t find her attractive. Nor did I believe her standards
compatible with mine. But later came a dream, not about her, but about
her brother. He and I became great
friends, sharing a powerful goal to serve God.
She was somewhat peripheral to my friendship with him. It was a
delightful dream.
In 1979 I moved to Provo
to go to BYU and moved in with my brother and his wife. We often had
gospel discussion and when I didn’t know the answer; I would ask. The answer
would come and I would explain it to Haydn. It irritated him that I got
answers so easily. So I asked my LG why
so many really struggled for answers, but for me it was no longer hard at
all. I had done a lot of struggling in the past. But now it came more easily. An image came to my mind of a store keeper
who had many customers. They would come,
make their purchases and then leave. I saw myself lingering to chat with
the store keeper. I was there visiting
more because I liked him and wanted to learn from him than because I needed
stuff. We were friends. So he gave me
lots of freebies. I decided it was better not to share that with my
brother. I was beginning to learn that
some knowledge is better kept to oneself.
I thought for a while
about my unseen friend. I noticed that by listening to him, several
things had changed for me. On simple matters he would speak a few
words. But on more complicated questions
he might send me an image (a baby vision) or what I called a thought
nugget. A thought nugget might be a complicated concept which answered a
question. I would feel a sudden arrival
of my answer. Then I would have to think
about it and unravel it in my mind. If I ignored it long; it faded and I
wouldn’t get it. After I unraveled the
thought. I would put it to words. Later
I thought that maybe this was how angels speak with each other. Not through words; but skipping past the
words to directly communicating the meaning behind the words. Later I
read books by Robert Monroe and learned that he had had the same experience and
called it a ROTE.
Another effect was that
I began to feel the hearts of others. If their feelings were very strong
and aimed at me; I wouldn’t be able to sleep or study. I prayed for it to
end as it was so disruptive. It
diminished somewhat. Now only the most
powerful feeling can reach me. In the years that followed I seemed to think
or imagine that on occasion I would begin thinking of someone I loved
dearly. I would encourage that love to
grow in my heart. Sometimes it just passed after a while. Other times I would suddenly feel a change
like I had connected to their heart. I was sure they were listening to their
heart and could sense and return my love for them. Those were special
moments to me.
As time passed I moved
out to live with new friends I had found. I had a job and some small
means now. I was working at the MTC teaching new missionaries the Indonesian
language. It was a happy time and I was at peace. I realized that I hadn’t heard from the voice
for a while and I prayed and expressed worry over our relationship. He
spoke to me and said “I’m always near.”
I was assured that there was no resentment that I had gotten caught up
in life, school and many distractions.
The teachers at the MTC
were told that the group of missionaries we were then teaching were going to be
the last for a while. We were warned that we should look for other
work. I prayed and the voice inside
said, “Stay.” My brother wanted me to
join him in a sales position in Arizona. I prayed again and again about
it saying that I thought I should go with him. But the answer was always “No,
Stay!”. My brother thought my voice was
false or imagined and he persuaded me to go. I did and ended the summer
with no money; I’m no salesman.
When I arrived
back I discovered that a lot of new missionaries had been called and the
remaining staff had been overwhelmed and desperate for teachers. I would
have had all the work and money I could handle if I had stayed as told. While in Arizona I had purchased a 1965 VW
beetle. Soon after my return I got a job in the BYU bookstore and found a
bright yellow 1969 VW squareback for sale.
I looked like a family car and I wanted to marry so I went home with the
intention of kneeling and praying to ask if I should buy it. Before I
arrived home the voice came and said, “Buy it.”
So I knelt and said, “Thank you I will.”
I traded my beetle and some funds for the squareback.
I met a lovely
young lady at the bookstore (not the ‘e- und’ woman I had seen in a vision) and
asked her out. It wasn’t long before I was totally in love with her. She seemed to like me too. But I was impatient to marry; and she wanted
to wait and see how the relationship developed. My less than stellar true
colors began to show and she decided to move on. I was really hurt. So I prayed.
The voice told me she would come back.
I waited. She didn’t. I prayed
and asked again and again was repeatedly told, “She’ll come back.” She
didn’t and I stopped asking. It just
hurt too much. If someone spoke her name it shocked me. I stopped visiting my friends and brother to
avoid the mention of her. The pain
became so great I had trouble breathing.
I couldn’t continue in school so I left BYU. After a few months with my
sister in Texas, I prayed and was told to go home. I wasn’t certain about
going and asked that events guide me to return home. Within a few days everything seemed to point
home. So I returned to my parent’s home
in Washington.
I started fighting
with my parents and prayed for peace. The voice came back and told me,
“Write!” I couldn’t see how this would
be of help. But I obeyed and soon found that as my mind became full of
the spiritual things I wanted to write, I became much less concerned about the
differences I had with my parents. My obedience had brought the peace.
While writing, I began
to think about the voice and realized that it didn’t seem like God to me.
It seemed to come from a personality other than God. So I asked, “What is your name?” He answered, “Call me Grant.” So from
then on I did. After thinking about it I
realized I shouldn’t pray to him. It was
just fine if he answered my prayers, but he was not God. I still speak to
him in my mind. But I have been
contacted by others unseen like him and I can tell the difference. If I listen deeply when I receive
communications, I know who is communicating. It’s like each communication
is accompanied with the imprint of the personality of who is
communicating. I can tell if it is Grant
(the most common), evil spirits, Jesus, or the Holy Spirit. They are definitely different from each
other. It’s like being able to distinguish people by their voice and
manner. But spiritually.
Living in Utah in the
early ‘80s’ I was invited by a friend to travel to Peru and live with her
family for a while. I prayed about it and was told, “Go.” So I put stuff in storage and bought a flight
to Peru. Before I left I was told I
would meet one chosen by God. I hadn’t asked. That information was just
given freely. So I went hoping to find a
spiritual person who would give me guidance. I became very motivated to learn
Spanish and studied day and night. I met a young lady and was surprised
at how I found myself falling for her as I had with my first love. I came to believe she was the one I had been
sent to meet.
One evening in Piura,
Peru, I went up on the roof of the home and looked up at the sky. I
wondered if flying saucers were real. If
they were real, then what was their motivating force. What was the engine
that moved them? A force came gently
over my mind and used it to think. I
didn’t totally lose control of my mind. But if I didn’t struggle to
control my thoughts; I was carried and caused to think and understand how these
crafts moved. For several hours, I could not, not think about the engine and
how it worked. In the days that followed I was frequently drawn back to
those thoughts. Later I tested the principles behind the thoughts given me and
they all worked. But I haven’t yet
created it as a whole.
I had a wonderful time
in Peru. I did meet someone very important to me. Actually two, but
something went wrong and I knew it was time to go home. But I came away
from Peru feeling as blessed as when I came back from Indonesia. I am so glad I followed Grant’s direction to
go.
Back home In SLC, Utah,
I was happy and I wanted to stay that way. I asked what lay in store for
me in the coming year or two. I kept the
prayer alive for a few days and then in the middle of church I suddenly felt
great sorrow. I had to struggle to keep from crying. I knew that something was going to happen
which would not be a happy experience.
I was living with my Grandparents in Sugarhouse and early one morning I allowed my thoughts to wander down the path of sexual desire. I was feeling a little too heterosexual. Suddenly the voice came loudly into my mind: “Do not partake of that!” I was immediately fully awake and ashamed.
It was about this time that I decided to grow a beard. I had noticed a couple of white hairs and realized that someday I would have a lot more of them. I wanted to see what my beard looked like. So I let it grow. I kept it for a few months and thought about cutting it off. The moment I did Grant said, “You will never take it off.” So I decided to keep it. I didn’t want to do anything to prevent a prophecy from coming true. A couple of years later I was offered a job in a lab which required me to remove my beard. I felt bad because I knew I wouldn’t be able to accept it. Grant spoke again, “I said you would never take it off; not that you couldn’t keep it off.” So I asked my wife to shave me and she did. I kept my face shaved till moved on to another employment. It’s back now.
I was feeling very unmarried. I asked if I would soon meet someone I could marry. A very clear answer was ‘No, you will not meet your wife for a few more years.” To clarify it didn’t come in words; just the whole concept came. That annoyed me and in my heart I decided to go my own way.
Home again: alone again.
I was feeling very unmarried. I asked Grant if I would soon meet someone I could
marry. A very clear answer was ‘No, you will not meet your wife for a few
more years.” To clarify it didn’t come
in words; just the whole concept came. That annoyed me and in my heart I
decided to go my own way.
I met a lovely Mexican
woman and we spent a lot of time together. She was very educated and very
neat and clean. She liked me and I like
being with her. I didn’t want more than that from her. One day we were at an engagement party of her
friend and we were alone for a moment and she talked about marriage. Then
she suggested that we should get married.
I was caught off guard and heard the voice inside my heart cry, “NO!!” It was so strong and loud that I was
stunned. I didn’t respond immediately to her suggestion. She pulled away and asked: “No me queries?” (Don’t you want me?)” To reassure her; I said yes of course. She smiled and said, “Good. I’ll go
tell the others”.
She then left the room
to tell everyone we were engaged. I was stunned. But decided to go with it. Our engagement had
ups and downs. I went to Grant and asked
what to do. He told me to tell her, she should go home to Mexico. She responded that I didn’t love her. I explained about Grant and told her there
was a very good reason for her to go home.
She didn’t and later grieved greatly over that decision. We
married and what followed was a wonderful child and a terrible divorce. In the middle of the pain of the coming
divorce; I was again told to write. I
did write and an amazing peace took hold over my heart. Members of my family grew angry with me and
accused me of wanting to be a prophet and looking for a following like
Jonestown. I felt nothing but peace and love in response to all their
accusations. It was a miracle of the
heart.
Skipping the pain and details: I met
another woman I wanted to marry. She enjoyed the physical more than I was
used to. I wanted to marry her; she said
no. I went to Grant and asked how I might get her to marry me. He answered, “If you say no (to the
physical) she’ll say yes (to marriage).” I didn’t get the feeling he
thought marriage to her was a good Idea.
I didn’t ask and he didn’t say. I
didn’t want his comments; just his help to get what I wanted. He gave
it. That marriage was wonderful at
first. Then things spiraled out of
control and I knew I had to divorce her too just to keep my two children by her
safe. Later she met and married a man I
came to trust and like more than I did her.
I moved into my
Grandparents basement and lived with my father while he took care of his
parents. He was still burning the breakfast toast and I still refused to
eat it burnt.
I have never been sure
how the following experience came about. I don't know it came from
Grant. But it fits other experiences
that came from Grant. So I'm including it here.
One Sunday I was at
church in the Parleys singles ward and something strange happened. A
stake leader was exhorting the single people there to feel good about
themselves. May were older and had
failed to find a partner. The leader railed against Satan and called him
a fool. He said many other things
against Lucifer and as he spoke I felt wrong about everything he said. It
was a deeply felt rejection and I wanted to leave as quickly as possible. I didn't understand it and asked Grant what
this was all about? When I got home I
went downstairs to my bedroom and prayed and struggled to understand these
feelings. Then it was as if a long forgotten memory came back and I
remembered Lucifer. He wasn't evil
then. He was wonderful and shown with
great intelligence. He was a delight to
be around. I loved him.
Then the will of God was
made known about coming to this life. Lucifer wanted to be in charge and
to compel everyone to do Gods will. God couldn't accept that and Lucifer
began to pull away. Some completely
sided with Lucifer but there were many of us who pleaded with him to go along
with God's way of doing things. I was devastated as his withdrawal
grew. I struggled and used all the love
and welcome in my heart pleading with him to stay. This was a total break in our family he was
creating. God always helped us achieve
our will and so too with Satan as we came to call him. Satan and those
close to him created a separate reality and parted from the rest of us. There kneeling on the floor of my bedroom I
began to cry. I wept for the loss of one
I had love so much. Before it was all
over there were some who followed him who came back when they realized the
enormity of the move. I remembered that Jesus didn't try to change Lucifer's mind. Jesus remained closest to the Father and the source of all
peace.
It's wrong to say
anything critical of Satan. True he has chosen error. But the struggle against evil isn't like the
wars of men which are fought with physical weapons. Here it is gun
against gun. Bomb against bomb. But
there it was welcome against rejection; love against fear; trust against
paranoia, and peace against turmoil. You can't use anger, fear, rejection or hatred
against evil. Evil is attracted to those
feelings. Fearing or hating Satan calls
him close. I love him; but my love is
without any element of submission. I submit only to the divine. So he stays
far from me. It's my love of good, my trust in God, and my welcome that keeps
him away from me.
One last thing: after
that memory came back, I couldn’t stop hoping and praying that Satan would come
back. There was a great hope in my heart that he would someday
return. I kept praying about it. Probably a silly thing to do. I also
couldn’t believe that my hope was in vain.
Hope is one of the great forces of spirituality. But the more I thought about him another idea
came to mind. The scriptures say that everyone will submit to Jesus and
our heavenly Father. Lucifer is one of
us. Perhaps before all the stars burn
out he’ll find a way to change his mind. (One can dream.)
My father and I became
great friends. We came to really enjoy each other’s company. We often
share a few scoops of Ice cream together. One morning he told me that an old
man had come to him in a dream and told him to tell me to move out. So I
did. I found a place in Millcreek
helping take care of the property of a lovely elderly lady: Gertrude Bush.
I don’t remember the
year, but soon after the move, I joined the Millcreek young adult ward I met a youth who
introduced me to veganism. I read the information. But while I agreed
with it I knew it wasn’t something that I wanted to do. I loved the taste of
all sorts of different meats.
I was
driving to visit my sister Sydney’s house in Colorado and thinking about what I
had read. Suddenly Grant placed crushing pressure on me. It was an overwhelming push to change my
diet. Slowly I gave in arguing all the
way. After a great internal struggle; I finally agreed to be vegetarian.
But that clearly wasn’t enough. The grip
on my heart increased. I knew I had to
do more. I finally realized I had to
give up dairy and eggs too. At that
commitment Grant let me go. So when I
got to Sydney’s house I had to tell her about the change in my diet. She
just laughed and told me that I could eat whatever, but she was serving her
family the usual. That was fine with me.
I could pick out what I could eat and leave the rest. A few months later it
seemed to get too complicated to follow a vegan diet. So I asked Grant if there
wasn’t a simple formula for a vegan diet. He responded, “Eat out of the
ground.” I took that to mean I should eat as fresh food as
possible. I did.
I held to that
diet for several years till I learned a spiritual principle too harsh to
handle. It angered and frustrated me, so in rebellion I wanted distance from
Grant and all spiritual stuff. I went back to meat to get that distance.
Later I had some
spiritual experiences which gently carried me back into agreement with the
principle I had learned. I came to be at peace with it, but I didn’t switch
my diet back. (I should have.)
Years passed. I married
and rarely reached out to Grant. He had been involved with causing me a
lot of pain. I hadn’t really completely
forgiven him for that. There were many times when it would have been much
better if he had been silent. Once I was
concerned about my growing weight. I read about various diets. Then I thought I would ask him for his
thoughts. He said, “Eat three bites a
meal.” I realized once again how great a
gap there is between the standards of angels and those of man. I have
rarely been able to reduce my intake to three bites. But I did begin to lose a few pounds.
I had been at my job for about 15 years. But my company had been sold to a new one and now there was a lot of pain and demands being made. I was on my way back home from a trip to Oregon when I began praying about it. I asked Grant what I should do. He suddenly spoke loudly in my heart: ‘Quit.” So I decided to look for a new job and then give them my resignation. He again spoke again, “No Quit Now!” So the next day not knowing where I would go, I gave them my 2 weeks’ notice. I had a great time saying goodby for I had formed many friends. A month later I had found a new job I really like but it required an hour to get there.
Then one day a kitchen
cooking salesman came to visit. Right off we told him that we had
committed our money to other projects. So after talking a little about
the cookware he had to sell; he launched into a tale of the great pain of his
wife whose daughter had been abducted several years before. I was
overwhelmed by his pain. I turned to
Grant for the first time in a long while and said to him: “This is wrong! This needs to be stopped! This needs to be fixed!” He immediately responded quite
strongly. But my hearing had grown so dense, I couldn’t tell what he
said.
I worked at it for
a couple of days. Talking about it with a close friend, I meant to say that
Grant had spoken, but I hadn’t understood him. But the words that came out of
my mouth were, “He told me to ‘Do IT!’ “ And I knew that was
correct. The question then was:
‘How?’ A few weeks later while thinking
about it, a neighbor’s flatbed trailer was stolen. I was outside talking to neighbors about it
and Grant spoke to my mind, “The location of the trailer is well known.”
What was that supposed to mean? How was
that a help? Grant knowing where the trailer
was; wasn’t going to do much good. I
came to believe he wanted me to come back close enough to God that I would,
like him, know these things.
Also at this time my
marriage was suffering from my anger blowups. I couldn’t stop them. It occurred to me that if I returned to the
diet I might get help for my temper issues. I became a vegetarian again
and sure enough my anger problems faded.
This story is
unfinished. To continue It will take fasting , prayer and
dedication. Hope I’m up to it.
