brother,s visit.

I had a good  time with my brother.  He was here to take care of his daughter who lives in my apartment. We care a lot about eachother but have grown to have very different views spritually.

Complete Surrender

I have wondered lately why the heavens have been so silent.  I have tried to make my heart more inviting to the Holy spirit but I haven't felt much yet.  I've tried to memorize a prayer from the Holy Spirit titled: 

Complete Surrender is the Way

Holy spirit , my inner god; voice to all that is true,
 I want to surrender wholly and humbly to you.

I See in my mind temptations
to decide for myself and do.
But I know in my heart,
that I do not want
to decide for myself and do,
without you.

It is my only desire to surrender
 wholly and humble to you.

Take my heart as an offering
and help me on this day in all things.
I know tha it will bring me great joy
if you guide me in each moment. 


It goes on a bit more as scribed by Regina Dawn Akers.  My problem is the 'wholly and humbly' part. Sometimes when I am memorising something but certain words won't stick in my memory I need to look into my heart and find out why there is such resistance.  I did and though I know this is the holy spirit speaking I am far from 'Wholly and Humbly surrender"  That is why it is so hard for me to remember those words.  I have quietly recieved God's grace a couple of times when I was wanting to change.  But there has been no comunication.  I was asked to share the wisdom I have been given but have been slow to do it.  I think that is the main reason the silence has been so complete.

Putting it all Together

I've been thinking a lot about how to sum up what my faith and how I have come to think of the divine.  To say that I am anti-Mormon or anti anything is a mistake.  I am not one of those who; when their faith fails to live up to their expectations; either abandons or turns upon their former faith.  Rather I am one who sought the truth with my heart, questioning everything that didn't make sense. I had to find answers that felt right without going the denial route. I had to puzzle my way out of a kind of thought trap. 

 I was raised Mormon and found that despite a lot of good it offers, I didn't feel right about the exclusionary view of the divine it teaches. Later I came to have the same issue with any religion that teaches that they themselves control access to God, other religions and everyone who isn't a good member of their religion will fail to go to heaven to live with God. Even back then I think I basically felt that God choose his friends much the same as I did: common interests; not by some label, or ritual.  Yet I couldn't deny the scriptures nor deny the witnesses of the LDS church.  I was stuck in a dilema. 

One fall I attended a Hindu festival in Spanish Fork Ut.  Visiting was a monk from Brazil.  He spoke to a class of us and I really liked his spirit.  After he was done most everyone moved on but I lingered.  I explained that while I enjoyed visiting the hindu faith I couldn't reconcile it with the christian doctrines especially baptism.  He was puzzled and said that he had no problem accepting Jesus as an avatar from God.  He couldn't see my dilemma.  So I explained  that Jesus taught that we should follow Him and that we all needed to be baptized.  He smiled gently and said that he agreed we do need to follow Jesus in submitting to God's will, but that Christ never said we needed to be baptized.  His disciples taught that.  So I asked him about the scripture where Jesus said that except a man be born of the water and of the spirit one cannot enter into heaven.  The monk smiled again and said yes that is true.  I was a little mystified:  How could it be true, according to this teacher, that we don't need to be baptized, but that we do have to be born of the water: which can only mean we have to be baptized?  He kindly explained my error:  Being born of the water was when our mother gave birth to us. According to him Jesus wasn't referring to baptism, he was referring to our birth: getting a body.  He went on to point out that the scriptures say that Jesus didn't baptize anyone, only his disciples did.   It was an eye opening experience and I wondered if there were other ways of understanding the scriptures which would allow me a more comfortable point of view.

There was still a long way to go.