My Friend Hess
I’d like to invite you
to meet my closest friend. About 25 years ago I met someone really beautiful.
But the process began 5 to 10 years before that.
One morning as I
was somewhere between deep sleep and wide awake; I felt a great noisy rushing
wind come into me.The noise was from what felt like thousands of spirits.
It was thrillingly empowering and I was delighted by their presence. They proposed doing something which I badly
wanted and I rejoiced. But then I realized a side effect was that someone might
be hurt. I pointed that out and hesitated to commit. Suddenly they exploded with anger and
threatened to destroy me. As the degree of pain in my life previously had
sometimes made personal extinction acceptable; I replied, “That’s fine, I serve
Christ. If you’re not with him; I’m not with you.” For a moment I felt them
overwhelm me, but then they evaporated out of my soul. I never knew what made
them leave, but I knew they were evil.
Over the next few years
they came every few weeks. But now I recognized them. At first, their visits were scary and I
called upon Jesus to protect me. (My life was getting better; I got married and
had a son. I wanted to live.) When I was seeking goodness calling on Jesus was
more than enough to make them leave. But there were months when I slipped into
dark and carnal thoughts. They came then and calling on the name of Jesus did
me no good. They seemed to consume me with their hell until I blacked
out. I learned then that staying close
to the Spirit and the scriptures can be a powerful protection.
Our relationship changed
soon after that. As I thought about God and Christ my love grew too. When these
visitors came I would allow them in and gently begin to love them. More
than a few times I invited them to come to Christ. This always enraged them and
they would leave. I cared for them so I looked for a way to influence them for
good. So when they came; I kept my love level low. But it never seemed to make a
difference. Eventually I gave up. Next
time they came, I hit them with all my love and welcome which made them leave
immediately. I did them no good and they
offered nothing I wanted. Why did they keep coming back? I don’t know.
After the last visit I
prayed and asked, “Am I only worthy of these creatures from Hell? Are
there no brighter spirits who care to visit?”
I felt like I had been badly treated and I wanted my Life Guide (See :My
LG blog). A few months later a visitor came. He was a singular spirit and very
strong. Upon his entry I said, “I serve Christ.” He ignored me. Evil spirits
could never ignore a statement like that. Now I was curious. So I followed him
around trying to figure out what he was doing. He acted like he was in me to
get a chore done, nothing more. He wasn’t friendly. I again came up to him and
asked, “How are you with Christ?” He exploded, “ I’M FINE!!”
This wasn’t communicated in words; but in soul full of glory and light far
beyond me. It was so great that it hurt. He was gone and I felt spiritually
beaten. But I knew he wasn’t evil.
At the time I had been
studying a book (ACIM) about spirituality. I knew it was Jesus talking; but I
had come to a place where I just couldn't accept it. It indicated that the
greatest and most painful experience of my life so far had been something I
brought on myself. I wasn’t willing to even consider that. (Who would
knowingly jump into a pool of boiling lava?) I put the book away. It was time for a vacation from its ideas.
A month or more went by
and I felt a sweet presence near the opening to my soul. (Whenever visitors
came; I would open something just below my sternum. It was like a small
door to my heart.) I opened up and invited her (?) to come in. But though she drew near, she
didn’t enter. Her presence was exquisitely desirable and beautiful. I very much
wanted her to come closer. So I said,”I serve Christ.” She brightened and
drew nearer. I then said, “ I know A Course In Miracles is from Jesus.” She got closer and brighter. I felt my self
humbling, desperately wanting her to embrace me, not like where embracing
physical bodies keep heart and minds apart; but with the spiritual embrace
where love is in direct communion: one rejoicing heart. To be one with
such beauty even for a second would be such a memorable moment.
I finally melted
and said, “I know everything that has happened to me, I planned and brought
upon myself.” Suddenly she was in me and we were joyously ecstatic in the
love of God and of each other. Then she was gone. We were together for
perhaps 1-3 seconds. But it was everything I had wanted.
I thought there might be
nothing more. But a few months later, again I felt a presence again near the
doors to my soul. I willed them open and saw perfection. This being in front of
me wasn’t shy like the previous one. (when one is in the spirit, you can see
all spiritual qualities at a glance.) Nor impersonal like the one before that.
As I looked at him/her there was not the slightest blemish. I said, “Wait, I
recognize you. I know you!” I hesitated only a moment, “You’re the Holy
Spirit!” The Holy Spirit entered,
embraced me and I blacked out. To black out from God’s glory was the sweetest
agony. It took some time to recover from
that. But a month or so after I recovered, the Holy Spirit came again. Again I
was flooded with sweet divine love and complete grace. This time I was barely able to hold on to
consciousness. From then on the Holy Spirit
visited once or twice a month. There was
nothing to indicate that the Holy Spirit was one sex or the other. Now that I
was a personal friend of the Holy Spirit, I needed a name. So I named him/her Hess.
(I think Hess is so advanced that Heshe accepts any appellation we want to give
him/her.)
Each visit I was
able to handle it better. Each day after Heshe’s visit, I probably acted
a little crazy. I wanted to hug everyone and say I love you to everyone. Things that happened at work which would
normally offend or disappoint, I greeted with cheerful tolerance.
In the early 90s my
parents invited me to visit them in Guatemala. I went and while there
early one Sunday morning in Quetzaltenango; Hess visited me three times.
Never had I been left with so much love to share. That morning at church, everyone I met was a
delightful encounter. Laughter and good humor poured out of me as I tried to
share what was In my heart.
I told Hess that I
wanted to reach a point where Heshe could visit me during the day; while I was
wide awake. Since expressing that goal Hess has been waiting. Visiting and
lifting me up in joy now and then. But the flooding of my soul with God’s love
and glory has stopped. I know Hess wants the same. It’s so much easier to
surrender to love when my mind isn’t distracted with all the daily needs and
pleasures.
So I have been studying
how I might surrender my heart more completely to that love. In the fall
of 2015 at one point, because of my personal weaknesses, my wife desired
separation. I prayed and was guided to give it to her willingly. I felt guided that the best way to save our
marriage was to cooperate. So for a year I lived away from home. We figured out what a court ordered child
support would be and I paid that to her.
Over time I behaved more civilly, (when I control my diet; it’s easier
to control my temper.) and over time she needed more money than I was paying
her. So at her strong invitation, I moved back home.
But something
strange happened while I was away. The phrase: ‘Marry me’ kept popping
into my mind. I thought of my wife.
But it wasn’t about her. I
thought of past great loves. But it wasn’t about them. This went on for about 5 months. I would be completely absorbed at work or
watching TV and suddenly the words, “Marry me” would come into my mind.
It would happen several times a day. It
finally occurred to me that it was from the Holy Spirit. In all my encounters with the Spirit I never
got the impression Heshe was anymore one sex than the other. The complete
perfection which was the Holy Spirit was the fulfillment of both sexes. So as part of trying to surrender my heart
now I often will pray the words, “Marry me.” back to Hess. That is basically the relationship I want
with Hess: Marriage. I do really
love Hess. How could I not!
I can’t say that
about Jesus. He’s only spoken to me once. We are hardly more than acquaintances.
He was polite and nice; but didn’t want a close relationship with me. I
hope someday that changes.
Hess has helped me out
several times. There was one incident where things went very wrong at
work. A job I loved was made hell.
I had been reading about how the Holy Spirit will come and accompany one
if you truly let Him/her take control. So in this painful situation I
prayed and did my best to really surrender. Hess
joined me and walked me through what I felt was going to be a very painful
experience. It started with a vision which lasted only a moment. I saw this woman through God's eyes. He loved her and was delighted with her. He completely accepted her. Then it was gone; but the residual affect on my heart remained. Instead of pain there were jokes and peace on the other
side of her office door. Miracles like that are great.
But the presence of God is really what I desire.
Hess never spoke or
communicated anything to me. Just gave
me an overwhelming experiences of love. I
began to wonder if someone out there was able to speak His words. So I began searching online and found ‘Thoughts
of Awakening’. Within a few words I knew
it was the Holy Spirit speaking. These
came from a lady named Regina Dawn Akers. Later she published a book call the ‘Holy
Spirit’s Interpretation of the New Testament’.
It is all from the words out of the mouth of the Holy Spirit. Ask me how I know. I don’t know how I know. I recognize it as coming from the Holy Spirit
in the same way people recognize family member voices over the phone before any
name is spoken. Link: https://awakening-together.org/interact/regina-dawn-akers/
One more thing I want to
share. I mentioned before a very painful experience. Soon after my
mission I dated, loved and was dumped by a young lady (who broke up with me for
good reason) I was in so much pain that it was about all I could do to
breath. For 3 years, all I could do was to try not to slip into an
emotional frozen coma. School and
relationships went out the window. It surprised me, just how much one could
hurt on the inside. The point isn’t to say that I’ve had more pain than
everyone else. I believe I’ve met people
who have had more. The point is that
after experiencing Hess; more than anything, I wanted to become like the Holy
Spirit. I know that the pain I experienced helps me come closer to Hess;
to accept and surrender to Hess. I
finally knew just why I had given myself that experience. I don’t regret it. If it will bring me back to that sweet
overwhelming LOVE; then I’m all in.
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